Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
