my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
