Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
