Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
