come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
