pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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