Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
