The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
