my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
