I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
