i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
