you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
