hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
