I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
