drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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