when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
