it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
