Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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