I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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