In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
