i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize