Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
