Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
