Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
