I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
i out mim tonsoeep
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