Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
