I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
