It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
And then my night got REAL pukey
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
