Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
