I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
