Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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