There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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