I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
