just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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