I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
