did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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