You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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