Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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