1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
