I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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