Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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