I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit