Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone