I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
