Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
