i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
