The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He did a backflip because drugs
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