I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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