i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
