make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
