i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
