which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
