I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm just crazy horny about you
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
