I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
