she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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