i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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