She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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