mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
